I know it comes with being asian, but my parents really do only care about my grades and my future (so that i don't end up as a failure and make them look bad). All they do is lecture me on how i don't try nearly as hard as they did when they were kids growing up in china. All my dad did in his spare time was study, and it paid off because he was really smart and succeeded in life and has a high-paying job. Great. But is that really what we measure success to be found in? Money and education? What about friends? Family? Youth? Is sacrificing your youth really worth it? Well, apparently my parents think so. Any time i don't study is, in their eyes, a "waste of time". Is drawing, listening to music, or hanging out with friends really a waste of time? What about playing cards with your family for once? Aren't these things valuable in making a person what they really are? My parents yell at me and blame me for not trying as hard as them, but i'm trying extremely hard. They seem to never understand that. Maybe i watched tv for an hour after school, big deal. But does that give them the right to scream at me and call me a failure (and to turn off the tv immediately) ? I get about 4-5 hours of sleep a night, and they know it. I might procrastinate, but i make sure i get everything done, and for their information, i got through the first marking period of my junior year with all As (and one A-). They think that it was easy for me and that all the people around me are idiots. But in reality? It wasn't. at all. I studied my butt off to manage that A- in AP USII and i stayed up till 3 working on my last art project. I hardly ever go into a math or physics test unprepared because i don't sleep until i make sure i understand what is going on. When i told them all of this, they said "so what?" A's are apparently only a tiny tiny part of what will help me get into college. Not only did they dismiss all my hard work in a second, they also told me that i wasn't going to get into a good college. And that "it won't surprise them". Then my mom added that if i do magically get into yale, then she'll feel bad for the people that didn't because i did not deserve it at all. Then what am i supposed to do? I don't get into yale = harhar big surprise? I get in = I shouldn't be there??
But all of those things are trivial. The main problem thats eating at me is that i feel like my parents actually don't care about me at all. They care about my achievements, but not my feelings (as cheesy as that sounds). When they yell at me, it's almost in a selfish kind of way. So that they can let go of all the things that are bothering them. I never receive encouragement from them. If i struggle, i only get yelled at. Which, trust me, doesn't make me do any better. I never get a "sonya you can do it!" or a "It's okay, just try again". I need to be lifted up in order to succeed, not torn down. And if i get a 97 on a test, it's "What? why didn't you get an 100???" My self esteem seriously can't take it any more. Of course i can't help but shed a few tears while they are talking to me. Noiseless tears, fyi. And of course, they immediately call me out on it and say stuff like "why are you being dramatic?" seriously? I'm not crying on purpose, i just can't help it. And it's not like i sob or anything, they just start rolling down my face and i wipe them away, no big deal. But of course the real tears come afterward. At those points, i feel like my mind is falling apart and i'm not even kidding. Whoever is reading this, i bet you've felt like that before right? When you feel like you have no one in the whole freaking world who understands you and you wish there was a person that could just be there and tell you everthing's gonna be okay. But surprise, it doesn't happen and you just have to vent all your stress and wait for your mind to settle down. Then you lie to yourself and say that it's alright and you can do it, even if you have no one to support you. But deep down you're sick of everything and just wish you could depend on some one else for a change. I've been watching this show lately called "Make it or Break it". It's on abc family, and it's about these gymnast girls and their families/lives etc. Something that touched me though was that their family, even when they messed up, would have those touching moments where they understand how they've wronged their daughter. Or just that they felt bad when they cried. They'd go to their room afterward, and have a mother daughter talk about everything and just work it out. The mom would walk over, and sit on the bed and would try to cheer up their daughter or reason with them in that soft motherly understanding tone. Why can't i have something like that? Just for once i wish my mom could do that. Could have that compassion to come and try to figure me out. But she doesn't.
I think the best part happened when my mom yelled at me for the second time today. During this fight i said that she doesn't understand me, and she demanded me to tell her what exactly she doesn't get. So i told her. I told her that i feel like her and my dad only care about my getting into college, not actually about me. I asked her why she never tries to talk to me after i cry or when i'm really upset. I told her that i need encouragement to do well, not threats and verbal abuse. And you know what her response was to my (emotional and heartfelt) plea? It was a stone-cold "Well, that's too bad you feel that way." And when my dad walked by and heard, he said "You're not a kid anymore. You have to only rely on yourself now." Then my dad yelled at me for saying everything that i felt and said that i've called him "stupid" before so why would he want to help me anyway. Well, you know what? 1. that's only in response to when he calls ME stupid. So i told him that and he denied that he ever called me that. Which is ridiculously narrow minded, because i hear it all the time from him. And trust me, it doesn't feel that great, and of course i'd remember it. and 2. i was rude to him so he doesn't care about me? That's so teenage-esque. As a father and an adult, is that really how you handle situations?
In addition to all these amazing things going on in my life, i'm worried about myself. I get a lack of sleep, i'm stressed as hell (5 white hairs nbd), i eat allloootttt whenever i'm feeling down (which is like, always???), and i read lately that depressed people get random pains....which i kind of get. But could i really be depressed? because that's some deep shit, and i don't think i'm there.
I realize that this is the longest piece of crap i've written yet, and i feel extremely sorry to anyone who's even gotten to this sentence. I also know that i sound like a total drama queen. But in reality, i'm not exaggerating this. I feel like i'm losing control of my life, and as selfish as this sounds, i'm sick of dealing with it by myself and i'm sick of trying to pretend that i'm okay all the time. It's extremely tiring.
But you know what else is tiring? The fact that it's 12:30 am sunday morning and i haven't started my art project. I think i'll actually just not sleep tonight, and i'll go to sleep when my parents wake up at 8. I've always wanted to try being nocturnal. This way, i get to work without getting yelled at, and i can sleep and not face my parents tomorrow. Alright, this is the end of my ridiculous rant post. 'Night and i'll see if i can last through the night without falling asleep!
