Saturday, May 14, 2011

Freedom Week?

Not.  I almost had 4 whole days of freedom.  And by freedom i mean going out for a few hours every night.  Today i went out for Indian food, and it was fantastic, but then my mom called and yelled at me over the phone to go home right away and do work.  Ha. It's a fucking friday night, and i have to go home to do fucking homework that's due NEXT FUCKING THURSDAY.  Are you kidding me?  And i kind of hate myself because i listened and drove home.  Then i went on the computer, which triggers a screaming match.  Not only am i not allowed out, i also can't GO ON THE COMPUTER.  This week hasn't even been that easy.  You'd think with APs and SAT IIs done, i wouldn't have any homework right?  Completely wrong. I've been stressing over a stupid art project and i had so much tutor homework that was due yesterday (thursday).  Which i obviously did. So the point is, that my parents don't need to breathe down my back and tell me exactly when i need to do my work.  Who the hell cares as long as it's finished on time!?  Is this even normal ???  A friend told me that i need to just stop stressing, and i'm trying but i can't!  How can i when my parents are constantly telling me i'm not good enough, i need to work harder, my grades aren't up to their standards, all i do is slack, and i socialize too much. EXCUSE ME. I've barely gone anywhere for the past few months.  Don't even try to tell me that i need to balance my social life with my work.  Why? Because i don't HAVE a social life (that sounds so pathetic).  I always have to say no to my friends for everything, and even when i'm allowed to go, my parents somehow change their minds literally an hour before, so i have to call and be a total bitch by canceling.  I've always tried to be that person who didn't get all insecure about things, or atleast tried not to tell anyone about it, but i might as well post it on this piece of shit that i call my blog because no one reads it anyway (except for you guys, and i know you won't judge me for being such a whinny bitch in this post).  I'm scared that i'm going to lose my friends because i can never be there for them or go to places or support them (except for the voice recital mara, you rocked!).  I feel removed from everyone, and sometimes i'm scared that i'm going to become a boring soulless monster from the black lagoon (lmao, i'm jk-ing btw, i'm not actually scared of turning into a lake monster).  But i am worried about becoming a boring person (if i'm not already -_- ).   Sometimes i feel like that awkward outsider, even if i'm just with emma and some of her friends which is absolutely ridiculous because me and emma are supposed to be best friends right? I don't blame her though because i know it's my fault that i can never do anything.  Sometimes i feel sorry for my friends because they have to deal with me.  And i feel sorry for my parents because i'm such a disappointment in their eyes.   They just wanted an obedient, smart daughter who gets straight A's, can speak perfect chinese, and plays the piano and violin.  But what do they get? They get me. The girl who can hardly read chinese.  Who quit piano and plays the drums.  Who occasionally gets B's on her report card (goddamnit hornstein).  And who doesn't know her role as a grateful daughter.  Sometimes i try to be all the things that they want, but no matter how hard i try, it's never enough.  I feel like such a failure, but i know i'm supposed to love myself no matter what, and i shouldn't let my parents get to me.  But it's just so hard to ignore them.  Some one once told me that i'm too sensitive, and maybe they're right.  I don't know how to change that though.  And btw, i don't want anyone to get the wrong idea.  Most of the time i hate my house and i can't wait to leave this place, but i know that i owe alot to my family.  They've housed, clothed, and fed me for 17 fucking years and only want the best for my future, but i really wish they could just back off and let me go.  I'm so lucky to be living the life i am, and i feel selfish wanting more, but i do and i can't help it.  I feel so guilty whenever i think about it. (okay swear to god, i need to fix that. I feel guilty over everything all the time, it actually pisses me off lol).  I know this blog entry completely sucks but typing it all out relieves alot of stress.  Sorry if you had to read this! I'll try to salvage this post by adding some random pictures:

A turkey! The first time i saw one. I freaked and took alot of pictures lol.

Some guy at the beach who was into the whole low-pants thing. Really suits him.

Trying to be artsy.  This was the sunset from the boat we were on this summer (cruise). Pretty huh?

The amazing band that performed on the boat. Lovelovelove them.

I creeped on some awesome asians playing mah-jong (on the boat). 

My sister and her fat cheeks :)

Some super spicy (and delicious) thing my mom made. Lmao this is so random. 

Art homework i did a month or so ago. In the corner is my sister's hand! And yes, that's tofu ^_^

The current art project that's completely screwing with my life.  The unfinished one with the yellow and blue is painted.  The other is markered (lmao is that a word?), and the piece of crap in the back is going to somehow become a cutout that i'm going to ink and print. 

Thanks for reading my ridiculously long post ! Hope you didn't fall asleep (:



  1. I mean I'm more concerned about the whole lake monster scenario. It's much more likely than the end of our friendship my bffl! Everything is going to be okay! And disney sleepover tonight will make everything magical! YAY! I love you and hey at least I'm proud of your ridiculously long lists of accheivements. Oh and maybe one day for your 30th birthday your mom will give you a piano to show she's proud of you ala joy luck club (Thanks literature SAT II)

  2. Just read this post... I always knew you were upset, never knew you felt like you were disappointing people... You should never feel that way because you're completely awesome and everyone loves you! Especially your friends, who would never stop being your friends just because you're a busy person with strict parents. At least for me it makes me love ya more and want to be there for you whenever you need.
    The pictures were so amusing I lold... And hopefully next weekend you'll be allowed out again for the fair.

  3. awwww you have nice friends :)
    dont be sad sonya i love youuuuuu <3
    also that guy has a nice ass ahahahhahaha


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