Dreamer

When I was younger, I would always dream up crazy futures for myself.  I was convinced I could become anything I wanted to be.  I will be a famous artist.  I will travel the world.  I will make a difference.  I will only do what I love and not settle for anything less.  My friends would laugh and jokingly tell me to get my head out of the clouds.  My parents tolerated my naive outlook, but lightly pulled me back to reality.  But as I got older, things changed.  I realized that becoming an artist was impractical and financially unstable.  I convinced myself I wasn't good enough anyway.  I didn't apply to art school. I was conflicted, but in the end I decided that the best thing I could do for myself and for my parents was to enter a prestigious school (hello stereotypes).  So I spent less time drawing and more time cramming for SATs, APs, and worrying about my GPA.  For my major, we compromised with architecture.  I don't want to make it seem like my parents chose it for me, but it was strongly encouraged, and eventually I reasoned with myself that it was a pretty cool field.  It was close enough to art right? There was also minimal physics involved.  Perfect, two things I excelled at in high school, and together they'd land me a solid degree and a stable job upon graduation.  What more could I want?  But at the same time, I can't help but wonder what would've happened if I hadn't worried so much about everything and threw myself whole heartedly into my art instead of half-assing things like I always do.  Maybe I would've broken my parents hearts.  Maybe I'd be in art school right now, regretting everything and wishing I had gone to a different school.  Maybe I'd end up leeching off my parents until I got married.  Maybe I'd have to work weird part-time jobs and hate myself for fucking everything up.  Or maybe I'd be happier.  Maybe I could've really made it.  I guess it's impossible to know for sure, but what I do know is that I spend way too much time questioning everything I do in my life right now.  How much of this is actually going to matter to me after I graduate? What will I take away from these experiences? Am I really just trading in 4 years of my life and hundred of thousands of my parents hard earned money for a measly piece of paper that might land me a nice paying job? What if I don't even like the job? What if I don't even get a job and it was all for nothing....

I know I'm greedy. I want happiness and success and love and fulfillment without the pain or failure or doubt or loneliness.  I look at the people around me who are so full of motivation and life; who look so sure of themselves, and I am envious of them.  But at the same time I'm not stupid; I know that on the inside they are probably just like me to some degree.  And then I think of the facade I put on for everyone else.  My friends probably think I love architecture, that I'm excelling in my classes, and although slightly sleep deprived, and quite lazy, I'm happy. And to be fair, on some days those are all true, but on many other days I just want to sleep until everything goes away.  On those days I feel inferior, frustrated, confused, and so full of self-doubt.  I know I can do better.  I used to be extremely stubborn about the quality of work I created.  I would spend hours making my visions come to life, never taking short cuts to save time.  It was a trait that drove my parents mad, but it was something I was proud of. But these days I feel like I've lost that part of me.  I constantly bullshit my projects, my diagrams, my work, everything.  Sure, my professors give me A's, but I know I'm cheating myself and I have the ability do so much better.  My friend told me my expectations for myself are just too high. My parents tell me if it bothers me, then I should just fix it.  But how do I fix it- I don't understand.  Can someone tell me? Somehow I feel so lost right now.