Fly

Last friday my grandma fell into a coma.  My aunt almost wasn't able to get a hospital to check what was wrong with her, but my other aunt stepped in and called the hospital owner.  My grandma was quickly rushed to the emergency room and operated on.  They found out that her intestines were dead and had to cut out 2/3 of them.  Days passed and she didn't wake up.  On sunday morning I woke up to the news, by then it was monday in china.  It was the second time in my life I've seen my mom cry and to be honest I didn't know what to do, it was scary.  So I just tried to comfort her by folding laundry with her.  It sounds lame, but I'm really bad at expressing my emotions for others.  Ed says he understands what I mean.  That day I actually prayed for my grandma (I say actually because I am not religious at all).  Well, it wasn't exactly praying, it was more like trying to talk to her spirit.  A day or two later (I can't remember) we got an email saying that my grandma woke up!  She still can't talk, but atleast she's awake!  My mom's planning her trip back to china but she doesn't want to leave me during my college app process.  I told her that she's stupid.  Who the hell cares if I get into college right now? That's not what's most important!! What's important is that she go back to her mother!  I sort of got through to her, so she's leaving at the end of this month, beginning of next and will be gone for over a month.  I think she's taking kaykay with her too.  I think this'll be really good for my grandma, when we left at the end of summer, she seemed so depressed! I feel like she thinks she doesn't have anything to live for anymore.  My grandpa died 15 years ago and she's been living with my aunt.  In the past few years her health has been rapidly deteriorating after her fall.  I don't know what I can do to cheer her up.  Before we left I stayed up on the last night drawing her a portrait, something I used to do for her all the time when I was a little kid.  I was hoping it would somehow help her a little, but I feel like it didn't at all.  She loves my sister though, so I hope she can cheer her up.

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Nothing new really happened this week.  Had marching band three times: two practices and one night game on thursday.  It was our first game under the lights (well technically the first was during band camp so we missed it).  Looking back, this week has been a blur.  I barely remember anything that's happened, so I'll just jump to today.  Woke up at 2, ate lunch, worked on college essays, and was let out of the house to get dinner at this asian fusion place.  I went with emma, mara, and victor and it was dellicciouuuss.  Lmao it took me like a billion years to finish my chicken curry.  My friends always make fun of me for being the slowest eater in the world.  The strawberry bubble tea I ordered was also amazing.   Being the uncultured idiot I am, I shot a bubble at victor (because he told me to) and completely missed.  Emma told me that I'm not supposed to do that, something I hear a lot from her haha.  I really need to grow up.  Speaking of Emma, we're texting at the moment about boys/relationships.  It's actually a pretty interesting conversation.  Basically we both have the same problem.  We always push away the boys that like us because we freak out and over analyze everything.  I just wish a normal guy would like me and I would like him back and we could link arms and skip into the sunset.  Ha.  But in all seriousness, I noticed lately how many couples have been popping up in school.  On my way to my first period class I literally get to watch at least 5 couples linger in the hallway getting it on.  Like honestly?  Maybe I'm just being a grumpy single girl.  There was a guy I liked in the summer, but 1. He goes to a different school and 2. He has a girlfriend.  Fml.  It wouldn't have worked out anyway because I felt like he was way out of my league, but hey I can dream.  One night he gave me a ride home, and it was the least awkward experience of my life.  Okay, that was an extreme exaggeration, but still, it felt pretty natural.  We joked around and there wasn't a single pause in the conversation.  Keep in mind that I barely knew him at all.  When he got to my house he even waited for me to go inside before driving away.  Aka what the end of a date should be like :) but I've moved on....to an underclassman ?! WTF is wrong with me?  He is 15! I am 17! No!  Okay, maybe I'm being too hard on myself.  Actually, I'm not even sure if i like him to begin with.  In groups of people he's nice and funny, but when it's just us it's awkward.  He'll wait for me so we can walk to the field together (marching band) but then he'll barely talk to me.  It's weird.  Also weird that I might possibly like him.  He's not extremely good looking, doesn't dress well, has weird posture, wtf is up with me? Crazy hormones? Check. Oh adolescence.  It would be nice to have a boyfriend though.  I don't want to sound like one of those desperate (housewives. lol sorry i had to) girls who just complain all the time about wanting a boyfriend just to have one, but it'd be nice to have a special someone to comfort me when I'm feeling like shit.  Someone I could always talk to and would double as a best friend.  In that sense, I'm jealous of gabe and sarah.  Maybe I just feel a little lonely. I've been reading a few blogs lately by girls from australia.  They're in their late teens or early twenties and have long term boyfriends that they spend time with all the time.  Oh jealousy.  When will I find someone?  And when I do, will I even let them get close to me?  Or will I push them away like always?  Can I please just shut off my brain and follow my heart for once?  Goddamnit. 

I didn't have any pictures for this post, so I took a crappy webcam selfie

Okay that paragraph was growing at an abnormal pace, so I'll just cut it there before I go overboard.  It's 2:11 am now so I really should go to bed.  Before I do though, I have a story.  Last night I was laying in bed, and started to get the feeling I was falling.  I thought to myself that I was finally falling asleep!  But soon it started getting really weird and I became numb all over.  Then my heart started to beat extremely fast and the mona lisa started flashing like crazy on the inside of my eyelids.  So I freaked out and opened my eyes to get rid of the image, but it was still flashing in my eyes.  The mona lisa morphed into gabe, then into sarah, then back to herself.  At this point I was scared shitless and thought I was having a heart attack, but I wasn't in any excruciating pain.  After what seemed like forever (it was probably only a minute or two) my heart finally slowed down and everything went back to normal.  But I was so so scared to go back to sleep.  I have no idea what was wrong with me! I also faintly remember some sort of constant clicking noise, but I may have imagined that.  I'm used to getting charlie horses and foot cramps while I sleep, but that was something completely new and unexpected.  Oh god.

Anyway, time to sleep! Good night!